I love Pinterest. It’s the perfect highly-entertaining, zero-commitment distraction for me while watching my daughter play. These-a-days I have my Pinners pretty well narrowed down to home design and crafts, but every now and then I’ll peek at one of my real-life friends’ pages. Let me describe the content I usually find:

Recipes for sticky desserts involving chocolate, caramel AND peanut butter
Recipes for “easy” dinners involving pasta, sour cream, AND cream cheese
Pictures of cut female fitness models with workout routines superimposed

And that about sums up the female mindset, I think. The food we want and the bodies it won’t get us. Ah me, we’re a funny bunch aren’t we?


Running to stand still

I weighed in this morning at 197.2. The highest weight for the week was 198.0 and the lowest was 196.6. So the post-miscarriage bloat went away, but I didn’t lose any real weight.

I am tired out from the long holiday weekend. My husband had Good Friday off from work, so we all three had a little field trip on Friday morning. We all worked outside a lot, preparing for the gardening season to come. We took family walks. We cooked family meals. This morning we hunted eggs and dyed eggs and made pie and got dressed up and went to a big family meal. This afternoon there was more working outside and another walk.

It’s great, but losing my Friday morning to myself–and also being gun shy about doing housework during family time–means that the house is a wreck and I am in sore need of some time by myself. Tomorrow morning, if I was trying to catch up, I’d need to wash all the clothes plus the bedsheets, clean the bathrooms, and clean all of the floors–in addition to a double-duty pick up of the house and trying, once again, to get the kitchen cleaned up. Oh, right, and spend some time on the elliptical machine too, because I’m trying to lose weight right? Oh, and call all of the family I need to call to thank them for cards and gifts to my daughter on Easter, on her birthday, on Valentine’s Day, on Christmas… and to wish a belated happy birthday to every damn one of them. Except the kids. I am a stickler about getting cards and presents to the kids. But aren’t adults too old for birthdays? I feel too old for birthdays.

I am just plain worn out and need to eat something and put myself to bed. This isn’t a constructive frame of mind. I just wish I wasn’t so ravenously hungry in the middle of all of it, trying not to eat, feeling hungry and angry and weak and persecuted and always, always, always fat. My biggest obstacle to weight loss is HUNGER. My husband and his sister can skip meals and not suffer. I can’t even skip snacks and not suffer.

Yeah, today is a total nutritional wash, so I might as well feed my growling (literally!) belly and put my sad sorry self to bed. Tomorrow is another day, right?

Fighting rebellion

I’m in a rebellious state of mind right now, with regards to weight loss.

I don’t want to try that hard, right now.

I don’t want to deny myself any pleasure, right now.

I feel that life is too short to be hungry, right now.

I feel like I’ve done enough hard things recently.

What I’m not feeling right now, though?

I’m not feeling that it’s okay to weigh 197 pounds just because, in spite of it, my husband loves me.

I’m not feeling that it’s okay to weigh 197 pounds because I’ve made life and lost it.

I’m not feeling that weighing 197 pounds is something to be proud of or even learn to live with.

Some time, and some time soon, I need to do it. I just need some time to recover first.

Getting the hang of it

Yesterday was an okay day. I know that it takes me a few days to get back in the swing of WW, so I go easy on myself. Yesterday there was no cake, but I forgot to take advantage of fruit and vegetables to help fill me up. Still, I ended the day having eaten 35 points and earned 7, and that’s not bad at all. I’m already doing better today, so hooray. It is blustery and disgusting outside, but my daughter and I have a new stroller to try out (the Britax B-Agile, in red) so I think I’ll put her in her snowsuit and we’ll take a walk anyway. She keeps getting in it and crowing “fancy walk! Fancy walk!”

Tomorrow is grocery shopping day. I think I’ll do regular Wednesday posts about that. My list is mostly vegetables, fresh frozen and canned.

My husband recently had a health scare and had his blood pressure taken for the first time in two years, and it is getting high again, so he’s on board with whatever healthy eating plan I’m on board with. Five years ago he started to run and lost fifty pounds (!!!). He gained some back after we got married, then some more while I was pregnant. His weight is down a little bit since then, but he’s still twenty-five pounds heavier than his lightest weight and, like I said, he worries about his blood pressure–and cholesterol.

He lost most of the weight by running 5K three times a week and eating a boring diet. He would have a couple of lattes for breakfast, a turkey sandwich for lunch, and chickpea curry with rice for dinner… almost every day. Sometimes he’d skip lunch. He lost about half of that weight just before we met and about half in the following year, leading up to our wedding. In our early months together, during the winter, we would meet at the gym after work every day and do the weights circuit then forty minutes on elliptical machines. How romantic ❤

I’ve never lost more than ten pounds during a weight loss campaign. I did it once when I was nineteen years old by spending an hour a day on the elliptical machine, eating small breakfasts and small lunches, and Indian curries for dinner (there’s those curries again, hmm). I lost the ten pounds very quickly, in less than three weeks. I went from 170 to 160.

The second time I lost ten pounds was my first go at Weight Watchers. I was twenty six years old then, and went from 180 to 170 in twelve weeks using the old Core plan, which allowed unlimited eating from a list of certain foods. At the end of that twelve weeks I was about to move states, buy a house, and start a new job… so I lost my focus and gained about five pounds back. I held steady at 175 until after I was married, then slowly creeped up to the low 180s.

I’m not counting the weight loss that followed pregnancy, because most of that isn’t to my credit. I weighed 238 the day I went into labor and 238 the day we brought our daughter home from the hospital (that’s what four liters of IV fluid will do for you). I plunged to 215 at two weeks postpartum, and was at 211 six weeks postpartum when I gave up pumping. Since then I’ve had several small weight loss campaigns, including Weight Watchers and  Slimming World. I’ve lost about five pounds each time and been as low as 191 pounds. This morning I was again 198… still hoping that the end of the week will drop to 195 because of vegetables and water and stuff. You know what I mean.

What I’m gonna do

Yesterday after posting I ate another piece of birthday cake. I also accepted a lovingly pulled glass of draft beer from the birthday boy. And we had hotpot for dinner, which is a lot of noodles. So in short, I used a lot of WW Points yesterday. Oh well.

This morning I stepped on the scale and it said 198. It was 195 a few days ago. Bloating, etc, I hope. I will feel good if I am “still” at 195 at this coming Sunday’s weigh-in.

Today I’m well on track for a low-point day: latte, scrambled eggs, whole wheat toast, and a clementine for breakfast (I’m not a person who can skip breakfast); a Subway 6″ with turkey but no cheese and lots of veg, half an apple, and a cheese stick for lunch. I did the 30 Day Shred this morning which earned me 5 activity points, and counted 2 more for wandering around a nearby outlet mall for an hour.

I think Weight Watchers is the most viable eating plan for me. Being a member is expensive, which helps to keep me accountable, and in the past I’ve found the plan both flexible and livable. I’ve had some practice at overcoming my Points anxiety, which is honestly the hardest part of it for me. Experience has taught me that if I really want to eat something, I should eat it and count the points, and things will work out fine at the end of the week. No, I’m not gonna have to live on celery and water until the next Sunday if I eat one piece of cake! The Points-counting doesn’t keep me hungry or deprived, it just sorts out my priorities, both in terms of treats and in terms of daily macronutrients.

The best exercise for me right now is walking and the 30 Day Shred. I stay at home with my almost-two-year-old daughter, and I love my husband enough that I want to stay at home with him in the evenings, so opportunities for gyms and classes are basically nil. My daughter is good about going on walks though, and we live in an area with lots of beautiful trails. On mornings when she is at nursery school I can do the 30 Day Shred and feel good about getting some toning and also 5 activity points. This morning my husband was home so our daughter stayed home too. I tried to Shred with her in the room. BIG mistake, MAJOR meltdown by the toddler who did not want to do jumping jacks. Sigh.